Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Some Uncomfortable Truths

Since I shared my weight-loss back story in my first post, I thought this second post would be a good opportunity to share some thoughts about what my life is like today and who I am now (70 lbs. lighter).  As far as I can figure out, I'm:

1.  A college graduate.  It took me six years, at a small, local university with a median age of 40, to get my degree.  I basically duffed around for the last 1.5 years, but in the end, I got it done.

2.  Unemployed.  Since March.  Six months!  I initially quit the job that got me through college because I hated it and I hated the thought of still working retail when I was obviously destined for so much more.  Plus there was a bit of conflict over my cell phone usage on the sales floor.  Needless to say, I kinda-sorta flipped out on my manager and gave my two months notice.  Why two months?  Because I figured the human thing would be to help out during the holiday season seeing as my boss is/was completely incompetent and made a habit of hiring barely functioning associates.  I got another job in February at a local, family-owned flooring company.  It was full-time, a schedule I can't keep without losing large parts of my sanity and sense of self - something I am gonna have to work on at my next full-time job.  Also, I worked basically in a refurbished warehouse, with no windows in sight, on dirty carpets, in a busted-up chair, with missing ceiling tiles above my head.  It was less than ideal.  And I could just feel myself getting fat.  "I don't like it here!  I know, a handful of M & Ms offered by my co-worker will surely make everything ok!"  Well, it didn't.  One of my direct supervisors was a complete lecherous jerk, so I quit.  It was a temp job so I didn't feel they deserved notice.  But anyway, here I am...six months later.  I've only had 2 interviews in that time.  I've applied to 20 jobs since September 1st.

3.  Hungry.  Like, right now.  I'm really hungry.  Maybe not really hungry, but I could definitely eat something.  Am I gonna?  No.  I'm still in that place, post-weight loss, just learning how to maintain, where my food/exercise thoughts are more than a little disordered.  Losing weight is such a simple process when you get down to the meat-and-potatoes of the whole debacle (at least it was pretty easy for me.  I almost enjoyed it in a sick second way, as if I was conducting a science experiment with my own body.)  I'd like to get to a place where I don't think about calories consumed and burned, and some days I do better than others.  Truth is, I could probably stand to gain a couple of pounds, maybe get to somewhere between 130-135.  But after nearly two years of steadily seeing lower numbers on the scale, it's a bit of a blow to see the number hover day-after-day.  I should be happier, I am happy that I am finally at a weight that makes me feel good about myself.  My mind has yet to catch up to my body.  It took me years to see how unhealthy I had made myself.  I imagine it will take a little time for the opposite.  I still feel huge, lurking.  Like I take up too much space.  'Tis a mind fuck!

4.  Lost!  I'm 24.  Live at home.  I have less than $1,000 in the bank.  I want Fage and skinny cords!  I thought everything (read: life) would just figure itself out for me while I was in school.  To clarify, things have always come easy to me.  I'm not stuck-up about it, it's just a fact.  I always got my spelling words correct on the first try and got to learn the larger, more challenging words.  I knew what teachers expected out of tests, papers, reports and got As.  I would be happier about this fact if it had actually led to a logical conclusion.  Turns out, in life, there are no teachers to impress.  There is no secret formula that just needs to be deciphered before the money starts rolling in and I am world-famous.  Or maybe there is, but I used up all my good luck on book reports and dioramas.  That would suck!  So, yeah.  I'm a typical case of Failure to Launch.  My high school guidance counselor went so far as to call me - in a letter of reference - "Jack of all Trades, Master at None."  I have no clue what I am doing/going to do with my life/where I will be/who I will share that life with.  It's disheartening/frustrating, but in true-Kendall fashion, I remain positive that it's all gonna work out somehow and life outside my head will be as fabulous as it is inside!

Anyway, that's all for now!  Think I will go for a walk before it starts to downpour again.

Oh, and when I said I wasn't going to eat again...I meant until dinnertime!  I gotta have my eats!

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